Relationship jokes

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

What’s the difference between a mountain and your girl?

At least the mountain has two hills.

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be the dolphin, you can be the jellyfish.

What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can actually call home.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

How do you turn a cat into a fish?

Tell your girl not to wash down there.

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

Why is it that skinny men love fat women?

Because we need warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

What's one thing your dad shares with black men? Your sister.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

"Hey, today was great!"

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car!"

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*