Relationship jokes

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Why do orphans not like July 24th??

Because it's Parents Day.

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.

I was in the bedroom slapping your girl harder than Will at the Oscars.

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:

Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"

I met a gay guy last night.

Man, was he a pain in the ass.

Man, my brother has a tight, buttered butthole. The veins in my cock throb when he comes over!

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

Are you a gun because I want to live with you?

Are you a professor? I have a theory about sex that I need to test on someone.

Why do Jedis stay single?

Because they use "divorce" (the Force).

May divorce be with you!

Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?

A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.

Why do orphans play tennis?

Because it's the only love they get.

Moto Moto, stop giving the baby your d*ck!

You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

Little Jonny fucked his mum.