Relationship jokes
Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Are you Shane Dawson?
Because I can be your pussy.
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
Memes
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
Why did the orphan turn gay?
A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
Are you a border? 'Cause I can't get over you.
Why did the orphan take a selfie?
Because he wanted a family portrait.
My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."
Your hairline goes further back than your mum's divorce.
What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?
E.T. can actually call home.
What’s the difference between a mountain and your girl?
At least the mountain has two hills.
What do you call two AI systems that are in love with each other? Member of chat LGBT.
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.