Relationship jokes
Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"
My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"
Me: "Your mom gay lol."
My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."
You: "Your mom gay lol."
911 what's your emergency?
Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!
Operator: What happened!?
Me: She bit the tip.
Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.
Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.
Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
Memes
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:
Starters - role play and stripping.
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.
Dessert - Blowy.
Dear algebra,
I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Are you Shane Dawson?
Because I can be your pussy.
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
Why did the orphan turn gay?
A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
Are you a border? 'Cause I can't get over you.
Why did the orphan take a selfie?
Because he wanted a family portrait.