Relationship jokes

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

How did the skeleton win the girl? He was humerus.

Your dad must be a mailman.

Hey selfish king, I see you need a girlfriend ;)

Ur adopted.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

My sister is so short she can't walk.

Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Want a kiss, daddy? Want a blow job?

If I fuck you harder, you have to scream "daddy," but what happens when you cum?

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.

A man and a child walk into a forest.

The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."

The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

What do you call it when an orphan takes a picture?

A family portrait/A selfie.

Me and the boys are cool.