Relationship jokes

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

I'm hertophobic -

aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.

Why can't an orphan be gay? It has no one to call daddy.

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

What do women and dog turds have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

Once upon a time, three babies were born in 2015. She was always crying for 2015. He loves her birth date. 🤗😈🤗🤕🤒no🤗🤑😱😎🙌🙏🙈🙉🙊

Guys, someone told me to describe my ex as a shop. Boi, he's not a shop! I found him at the lost and found. But if he was one, he'd be the drugstore.

Would you rather date me or a lady?

I laid deez nuts in your mouth.

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.

And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?

Walk up to an adopted kid and ask this, "How's your biological parents? Are they well?"

Me, my brother, and my dad.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Cousin: Hahaha, I am their biological parent.

Kid: So what? At least they love me more.

Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?

'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.