Relationship jokes

How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?

JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

Hi, are you even my sister?

Yes, I am.

No, you're not, because you never even existed as my sister.

What do you call mo on a dating website? Tissue face.

Your mom is fat.

Oooo, roasted!

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

I bet you like men!

Boy: "Mister, can I get candy?"

Mister: No, you shit head.

Boy: Why? :(

Mister: Because I'm not your dad.

If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.

What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Jake grabbed Lina's thigh and said, "Why don't we have sex? I really wanna see your boobs. I bet they're hot." "Yeah, they are." She took her clothes off and he saw her body. "OMG GODDESS OF BOOBS, PUSSYS AND BUTT LETS HAVE SEX LOOK AT MY..." HE WOKE UP THEN CRIED AND KISSED HIS SISTER'S BUTT. SHE SMACKED HIM THEN HE TOOK HER TO HIS BASEMENT AND KILLED HER FROM SEX.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be single than be with someone like you.

What do you call a selfie taken by an orphan?

A family portrait.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?

Me: Your parents.