Relationship jokes

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

One time in the butt. Two times in the butt. Three times in the butt makes a slut hot and wet.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

What's the difference between a boomerang and your dad?

Boomerangs come back.

My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"

There's a plane crash. Every single person died.

Who lived? The married people!

Me: What's that sound?

Ex: What?

Me: Oh, it's the elevator going up. BYEEEE see you on another level!

My sister's boyfriend is mad because I fucked his girl.

Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?

The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

What's the difference between you and an orphan?

Nothing.

A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

Guess what? If your mom ever wants to have sex with you, tell her to make another.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.