Relationship jokes

Welcome to the Friend Zone! It’s lonely here.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Water to his Dad, Steam: Hi, Dad, I mist you!

Steam: double-you(w). aich(h). ay(a). tee(t)?

What's between a wife and a husband?

A divorce.

I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.

I'm having sex with your mother. That makes me better than you.

*guitar solo*

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Want to have sex?

What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.

What did the dick say to the asshole?

You need another dick.

Girls are like blackjack.

I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.

I could never fall out of a boat because I've already fallen for you.

My sister's boyfriend is mad because I fucked his girl.

What is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut?

They are always so distant! :-]

My ex-boyfriend's dick is so small that instead of giving him a handjob, I had to give him a thumb and forefinger job.

Me: You have pretty eyes.

Her: Thank you.

Me: I can make them roll back 😈🥴

What do you call an ex eating Taco Bell?

Explosion.

During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.

Friend: You're adopted.

Orphan: At least I was chosen!

Friend: At least I was kept.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.