Relationship jokes

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

The only reason gay people exist is because they couldn't get the opposite gender.

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

Women understand each other.

That’s why they argue.

Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.

A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.

First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.

It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."

He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.

She walks away and says ok.

The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My sister said that I am a baby, so I said, "Waa, waa."

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

Why did Johnny cry?

He was molested by his sister. Johnny enjoyed it, though.

Women are like marshmallows because they're white, squashy, and everyone sticks their stick inside you.

Why doesn’t my bully get a dad joke? Oh, ya, ummm...

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.

Why do orphans hate Dom Toretto?

Because they hate how he cares about family.

Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.