Relationship jokes

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.

Who makes the best anteaters?

Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

...

I guess her rubber broke too.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

Why can’t orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy."

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears 🍐

You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.

When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?

Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?