Relationship jokes

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.

If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

It's not incest if you're adopted.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work some things out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be continued

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

Hate me all you want, but I gotta say, this whole thing with Gwen and TJ is ridiculous.