Relationship jokes
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the f *ck out of it!
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.
Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?
Angela: His name is Kevin.
Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?
Angela: I don't know.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
Wife: Hi babe. Husband: Hey. Wife: Do you wanna? Husband: YES! Wife: Ok, make sure you have a towel to go to the beach. Husband: WHAT? You mean go to the beach? Wife: Yes, what did you think I meant? Husband: Oh, nothing, bye. Wife: Bye, see you there.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?
My Chemical Romance.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
I only have sex with suicidal bitches because that pussy [is] limited edition.
A good bath is like a dead lover. You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold.
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Mom!
American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..."
Sardar ji says: "Accha, India me to shaadi.....Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
What's long, hard, and full of semen?
Answer: Me.
Why can’t someone say "ur mums gay" to an orphan? Because he doesn’t have a mum.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.