Relationship jokes

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"

Roses are red, your penis is blue, the bed sheet has turned a different color, too.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"

If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.

JACK AND JILL 2.0

After Jill went down the hill to get a pill,

Jack was screaming till his voice went nil,

And Jill screamed "Chill!"

Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

Q: What does an orphan call a selfie of themself?

A: A family portrait.

Why do orphans want to be gay?

So they have someone to call "Daddy."

If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they won't find anybody to call "daddy."

Why are lesbians so bad at math? They can't multiply.