Relationship jokes

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Well, the "HOLE" story is, I shoved it up her hole.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

Runescape is the only form of birth control that is 100% effective.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?

"Want me to pack your shit?"

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?

Who cares?

So this guy we talked to wanted me to leave forever, and we said, "What? You never want to hear from me again?"

What did the dick say to the asshole?

You need another dick.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.