Your mother.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
How did the blind girl get a date?
She said it was love at first sight.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
What do a girl and a bar have in common?
A- Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
You're not my dad.
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
Mayonnaise marry me?
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were walking down the street when a french fry caught the attention of Mr. Potato.
Mrs. Potato said: "I see you eye-balling that French girl!"
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
What does a pirate say to his girlfriend?
I want your booty!
