Relationship jokes
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?
To get the ice cream for the grandma.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.
Who needs sex when they have Valorant?
Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.
*You're a real best Gwen*
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.