Relationship jokes
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"
When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
How do you know when you're disliked?
When they always give you the camera for group photos.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
"I want to kill my family."
-realizes-
If someone is mean to an orphan just say, "I will call your mum," and make them cry even more.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What does Nemo have in common with my dad?
They both can't be found.
Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.
America and UK are a joke.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?