Relationship jokes
My best friend is an orphan, and we try to have sleepovers, but his parents never say yes.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"
When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
How do you know when you're disliked?
When they always give you the camera for group photos.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
"I want to kill my family."
-realizes-
If someone is mean to an orphan just say, "I will call your mum," and make them cry even more.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What does Nemo have in common with my dad?
They both can't be found.
Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.
America and UK are a joke.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.