Relationship jokes

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

Are there support groups for men?

Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.

What wastes your money as you earn it?

Women.

Women say men are trash.

Yet men made the phone, laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, never mind the electricity she uses to power those devices...

Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.

I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.

His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Orphan: I love abcdefu!

Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy".

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.