Relationship jokes
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.
So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.
"I want to kill my family."
-realizes-
If someone is mean to an orphan just say, "I will call your mum," and make them cry even more.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
What does Nemo have in common with my dad?
They both can't be found.
Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.
America and UK are a joke.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?
Why can't I be gay? I have nobody to call "daddy."
What do you call an orphan selfie?
A family photo.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have nobody to call "Daddy~"
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”