Relationship jokes
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.
Are there support groups for men?
Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
What wastes your money as you earn it?
Women.
Women say men are trash.
Yet men made the phone, laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, never mind the electricity she uses to power those devices...
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.
His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".