Put jokes
There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!
I was reading a book about an immortal dog, it was impossible to put down.
Why did the man put himself on fire?
To BURN Calories.
I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.
You really put the R in special.
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.
Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.
Yo mama is so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.
I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?
I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.
You're so poor you put paper cutlery in the dishwasher.
You went to the bed store asking for a water bed. They put a pillow and sheets on the ocean.
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
How To Kill A Blonde 101:
First Step: Get a pool.
Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to put her seatbelt on.