Put jokes

I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.

Why did the man put himself on fire?

To BURN Calories.

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

You're so poor you put paper cutlery in the dishwasher.

You went to the bed store asking for a water bed. They put a pillow and sheets on the ocean.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

You really put the R in special.

What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?

To put the wheelchair in the pot.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to put her seatbelt on.

People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.

Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!

Why are Mexican families so big?

They don’t know how to put a condom on.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

At the library, I got in trouble for putting a cooking book in the women's section.

Latias is red.

Latios is blue.

You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.