Put jokes

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

How do you play chess with a Catholic?

You put a condom on the bishop.

Unless Israel wants to become Hell Aviv, it would put itself on a tight leash, delivered specially from Uncle Sam.

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.

You really put the R in special.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

Sippin' on promethazine With lean, I fell in love.

I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup. I can't put down the cup.

Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?

Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.

(Not meant to be triggering).

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't scream when you put meat inside it.