Puns

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

If trees could kill you, they wood.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."