I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

There was a kidnapping at school…

Don´t worry, he woke up.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”