My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

There was a kidnapping at school…

Don´t worry, he woke up.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Do you want to hear a money joke? Never mind it makes no cents

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.