My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
I have a fear of speed bumps
But i am slowly getting over it
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Do you want to hear a money joke? Never mind it makes no cents
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"
Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
Two artists had an art contest. – It ended in a draw.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.