RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Some people think prison is one word...but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
I have a fear of speed bumps
But i am slowly getting over it
little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that's such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"
Do you want to hear a money joke? Never mind it makes no cents
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" -- The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? -- Because it has a million degrees.
Two artists had an art contest. -- It ended in a draw.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.