Puns

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.