RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

Do you want to hear a money joke? Never mind it makes no cents

There was a kidnapping at school…

Don´t worry, he woke up.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.