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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.