Puns

A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

What do you call a white bucket?

A pail.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

I would tell you a cat pun, but it's too purr-fect to share.

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."