Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!
Two artists had an art contest. -- It ended in a draw.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? -- Because it has a million degrees.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" -- The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.