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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

Two artists had an art contest. – It ended in a draw.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

What do you call a nose without a body? – Nobody knows.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

Why does peter pan always fly because he NeverLands

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, But bigger ones need a crane.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

Why did the crumb cake isolate him self? He had a crumbling social life

Can I branch out to some tree puns. Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.