Puns

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

If trees could kill you, they wood.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

A microwave.

Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."

An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.