The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

What do you call a nose without a body? – Nobody knows.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? – Because they have their own scales.

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it

Why does peter pan always fly because he NeverLands

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He just couldn’t see that well.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!