Puns

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

Why was the ocean so blue? Because the island never waved back.

What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.

A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? -- Because it has a million degrees.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, No atmosphere.

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually I shouldn't spread it.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

A war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left!

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin

What does a spy do when he's cold? He goes under cover.

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there's a small medium at large!

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

How do trees get online? -- They just log in.