The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no bell prize.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? – People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

Two artists had an art contest. – It ended in a draw.

What do you call a Communist sniper? – A Marxman.

what did one ocean say to the other ocean? nothing, they just WAVED. can you SEA what i did there? im SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? dont be a BEACH.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Where did the cat go when it lost it’s tail? – To the retail store!

Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.