Puns
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.
A war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Why was the ocean so blue? Because the island never waved back.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They always use honeycombs.
What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?
A quarterback.
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.