You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A star fish

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest…

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired)

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

Why does peter pan always fly because he NeverLands

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk

One day leaf asks mom, “mom, why am I named leaf?” Mom says “because when you were a baby a leaf fell on your head.” The next day feather asks mom “ mommy, why am I named feather?” Mom says “ when your were a baby a feather fell on your head.” The next day brick asks mom “rhsisvrkanx” mom says, shut up brick!

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that

There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Dont trust atoms they make up everything.

What happens when a clock is hungry It goes back four seconds.