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What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, But bigger ones need a crane.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

I really hate waiting to die… Its taking a lifetime

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting? A: Because they were fencing.

Trees are so social. They’re always branching out.

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what do to wrights make? The first airplane.

Why does peter pan always fly because he NeverLands

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!

What do you call a dead parrot ? Polygon

I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret in a corn field? Because they are full of ears! Now that was a corny joke. And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing