So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A star fish

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

When we were visiting the hoover dam. I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, “Wheres the dam snack bar?”

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

I started a band called 999 megabytes… we still haven’t gotten a gig

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what do to wrights make? The first airplane.

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six-offender