Puns
What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!
Where does the resistor go after a long day?
It goes Ohm.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
I told you ten puns to make you laugh, and I do not pun in-ten-did.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What kind of clothing should you wear on “hump day”? Camelflouge.
Q: What happens when a pig plays tug-of-war?
A: Pulled pork.