Puns

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?

So that he could design his own “website.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

Where do T. Rexes shop? Dino-stores.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

Why do ballerinas wear tutus?

The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.

What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?

Everywhere.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....