Puns

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. -- What a waste of thyme.

if a dog made a computer it would have a mega bite

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

What's a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses?

They both leave you Hanging

There was murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

your mom

why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST

when i ask my dad did i get adopted he said not yet no one wants you

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My friend; you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says "A beer please! and one for the road!"

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad 'I got expelled from school today' he said ' how' I said I threw my book at the teacher' he asked why' I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can't hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. '