Puns
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.
Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.