Puns

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

what did the banana say to the banana?

"u look a-pealing"

What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

A microwave.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

Trees are so social. They're always branching out.

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What does a spy do when he's cold?

He goes under cover.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.