Puns

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

Why was the ocean so blue? Because the island never waved back.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?

A quarterback.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

How do trees get online? -- They just log in.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

When we were visiting the Hoover Dam, I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Where's the dam snack bar?"

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.