Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

having sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

What do need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record

If there was someone selling drugs around here, weed know

Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?

A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

A man walks into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.

It was a shitzu

What do you call a dead parrot ? Polygon

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it

I really hate waiting to die… Its taking a lifetime

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