Puns

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Thumb nails.

What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?

Man, you are really on edge.

I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.

If my cat was a cactus, doesn't that make him a catus?

you.

So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.

P = Person (not original "pun")

P1: Hey girl! P2: I got a bf! P1: Well, I got a Lamborghini Aventador, a Bugatti Super Sports, a yacht, and a private plane. P2: BF stand for breakfast. P2: Oh, and also, where did you get all that stuff? P1: GTA5 P2: You motherfucker!!!

(Communications with this person are now blocked)

Why is a cabbage green? Because it's in Greenland.

Why does a chicken cross the road?

To poop and pee in the potty!

When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

You really gay. No questions added.

What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!

I tried my best to think of some puns, but I'm gonna have tibia honest: I don't have any puns left, but I'm pretty sternum, so I'll think of a few puns here and there. It took a lot of spine to do this.

Why did the man laugh when he only had just one nickel and one penny in his pocket?

He had a 6 cents of humor.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.