Puns

There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.

Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?

Because he was too stuffed.

Earlier that day...

Mars: Okay Venus, you need to stop with the puns.

Mission on space.

Mars: Moon? You okay?

Moon:...

Mars: Moon come on! Stop spacing out!

*Venus and Moon giving her the smirk*

Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet.

My dick itches.

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

What's the difference between a car and a car?

I have absolutely no idea, sorry.

What’s up with the foot feet?

What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."

What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.

Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.

My friend says, "Time flies when having fun," so when he was gaming, I threw his clock to test that theory.

Fuck off!

My friend said, "Dude, if you don't put your desk in line with the column, you're gay." So he did it, and I said, "Well, I guess now he's straight." ;D

If people who live in Canada are Canadians, I mean if they drink Fanta, they’re fantastic.

What do you call a homosexual in a coma?

A fruit and a vegetable!

How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?

Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.

You were born on the highway. That's where all the accidents happen!

Why did the chef flip a pancake? Because he was a tosser.

A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."

Why are you gay? Because I said so!

What do you play Fallout 4 with low health?

You Fallout.

Did you know that ASL is a dead language?

Yeah, nobody speaks it.