Puns

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

I was at a baseball game and I was wondering why the ball was coming closer.

And then it hit me.

Why was the baseball player stuck in the stadium?

'Cause he made his home run.

I may not be that good with puns on this site, but I got a skele-ton of jokes. Hey, what's the matter pal, is there something crawling under your skin?

I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said, “You’re about to become history.” I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.

I went shopping, and then to the hospital, and then to bed, and then I promised to only say "and" once in a sentence.

One volcano said, "Is that you, Qs? I am hot."

What separates snowmen from snow-women?

Snow balls.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.

Does it cycle now? 🚲

What is Jack Frost's favorite mode of transport?

A Tri-cycle.

What do bananas wear into battle?

Banana-rama!

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Thumb nails.

What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?

Man, you are really on edge.

I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.

If my cat was a cactus, doesn't that make him a catus?

you.

So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.

P = Person (not original "pun")

P1: Hey girl! P2: I got a bf! P1: Well, I got a Lamborghini Aventador, a Bugatti Super Sports, a yacht, and a private plane. P2: BF stand for breakfast. P2: Oh, and also, where did you get all that stuff? P1: GTA5 P2: You motherfucker!!!

(Communications with this person are now blocked)