Puns

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired!

What do you call a bear with no ears? A b.

Yeah, that joke was unbearable.

Which brand of underwear does Thor wear?

Asgard.

Did you hear about the needle and thread shop?

Never mind, it was needle-ess.

Runescape is the only form of birth control that is 100% effective.

You cat to be kitten me right meow!

What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?

The no-bell prize.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

I've done a ton of work today.

A SKELE-ton of work!

Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get the Chinese Daily!

Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!

I live in a world made of cheese. Someone stubbed their toe and screamed, "Cheese-its, Christ!"

I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.

They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.

Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.

Does anyone know Wakanda movie is Black Panther?

What’s a booty’s favorite game?

Hide and cheek.

I was watching a TV show where a guy was hanging off a cliff, then the series ended... I guess you can say that they left that guy on a cliffhanger!