Puns

I impaled my son with a pitchfork...

He looks very sharp.

Puns, that's how I roll.

My friend and I were playing Poker... And my friend also beat me with Jackass.

My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.

My sister said, "LET'S GO TO PIZZA!" So, I went to the pizza shop with her and she replied, "We really only needed the car?"

Impossible? I’m very possible, really!

What do you call chill legumes?

Hippeas.

I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.

Get confused with Confucius!

I wish everyone spoke to each other the way God did.

How do cows say "oof?"

They say, "MOOf."

Knock knock. Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hal will you know if you don't open the door?

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

Why do planets circle the sun?

'Cause they like the game of ring-around-the-rosy.

Why are the jokes fat? Because you made it.

I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

I don't know?!?

Wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?

The no-bell prize.

Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.