Puns

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

I trained a wolf to meditate, so now she's aware-wolf.

Eggs

You crack me up!

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)

I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?

Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

My life.

Ur dad lesbian.

Ur sister a mister.

Ur family tree LGBT.

Ur family reunion a homosexual communion.

By the way, this isn't a joke or a poem. I just want to say, please check out Gwen's puns. They're good!

What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?

Continental Drift.

You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:

Sans: "Sub bro."

Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"

Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."

Sans: "A skele-ton."

(Drum effect)

Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"

Where’s the best place to put a Christmas tree?

In between Christmas two and Christmas four. 😉😂😂

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

I was really rooting to tell that one.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!