Puns

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.

I trained a wolf to meditate, so now she's aware-wolf.

Eggs

You crack me up!

We should enjoy the present while it's here. Do you know why they call it the present? Because it's a gift.

Why wasn’t the duck afraid to cross the road? Because he wasn’t chicken!

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)

A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

Ur dad lesbian.

Ur sister a mister.

Ur family tree LGBT.

Ur family reunion a homosexual communion.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

By the way, this isn't a joke or a poem. I just want to say, please check out Gwen's puns. They're good!

You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:

Sans: "Sub bro."

Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"

Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."

Sans: "A skele-ton."

(Drum effect)

Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"

Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

Why don't some people like pennies?

Because it's common cents.

A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.