Puns

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

I lost my luggage at an airport once. I sued the airline, but I lost the case...

Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?

Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)

I trained a wolf to meditate, so now she's aware-wolf.

Ur dad lesbian.

Ur sister a mister.

Ur family tree LGBT.

Ur family reunion a homosexual communion.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

By the way, this isn't a joke or a poem. I just want to say, please check out Gwen's puns. They're good!

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?

Continental Drift.

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

Why don't some people like pennies?

Because it's common cents.

A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.

Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!