Puns

What do you call a field of masturbating cattle?

Beef strokin' off.

There's nothing else that can beat up dog.

What's up, dog?

Just my depression!

What mountain do people like to race on?

Mount Rushmore.

Get it?

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Who.

Who who.

You sound like an owl.

I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.

Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.

What should you use to battle a T-Rex?

A dino-sword.

Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie? It had a violent cat-e-gory.

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?

What has a heart but no organs?

A deck of cards!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef! XD

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

Why is arson so fun?

IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE

Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

What do you call someone who makes a joke about Bread society?

The Doughker.

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.