Puns
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.
What should you use to battle a T-Rex?
A dino-sword.
I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"
I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.
Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who.
You sound like an owl.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
What do you call a field of masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin' off.
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
What mountain do people like to race on?
Mount Rushmore.
Get it?
Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie? It had a violent cat-e-gory.
I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.
Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”
Welp, that’s it.
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef! XD
What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?
A mathive dick.
Why is arson so fun?
IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!
HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE
Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!