Puns

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

I carried a magnet, then people found me very attracting.

How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?

Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.

Tiresome is the quantification of tire.

Doctor: Hands husband his baby.

Doctor: I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Husband: Then give me the one she made.

How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?

If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.

Like if you're gay.

Dislike if you are lez.

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

My sister has cows, and after 4 months, she said there was a mis-steak.

Q: Where do smart hot dogs end up?

A: The honor roll.

I have some jokes about popcorn.

Nah, they're too corny.

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?

'Cause it's a car-PET.

Suck my ass, guys!

What do you call a rude math teacher with a lisp?

A mathive dick.

I drew a fist on a body, and then I drew a guy saying to him, "That dude's a knucklehead!"

Are we supposed to submit jokes?

This website.

Also, how did Trump's wall let this website in?

I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.