Puns

If you humped a whale, it would humpback.

What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!

Once, there were two cupcakes in the furnace. One cupcake said, "It's kinda hot in here." The other one said, "Hah, a talking cupcake!"

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

The grapes in the supermarket are really raisin' the bars...

What's a turtle's favorite thrill ride?

Shell shock!

I knead bread.

I went to the shops yesterday. I bought roast chicken, eggs, and duck. The cashier read $45.99. It was an egg-cellent price!

Why didn't anyone care about the circus?

Because it was irr-elephant.

There’s a noticeable difference between using polish to remove grease and using Polish to remove Greece.

How do you call a cop?

Through the phone.

(My puns are bad)

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

One knight, a king, and a queen went fishing. They each caught one fish, so how did three fish end up in the bucket?

One "knight"!!!

I need to go to the tailor, or so it seams.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Those t.p. jokes are getting shittier by the second.

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?

"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"