Puns
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
You know why I hate paper? It's TEAR-able to the environment.
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?
I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
What did the watch say to the failing watch company?
"You better watch it!"
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
I had a dream of swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it is just a FANTAsea.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why do cats like to sing? They're very mewsical!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!
What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?
He found that he had a piece in his sole!
I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.
My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.
If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.