Puns

A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.

All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...

Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie? It had a violent cat-e-gory.

What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?

It’s twelve o'clock.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

What did Pennywise become after LEAVING the circus? Ex-IT.

What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.

The grapes in the supermarket are really raisin' the bars...

You want to hear a joke? You......

Liam Gallagher went into a café for a cup of tea. The assistant asked him if "he wanted a roll with it."

How does an artist fill in a CV?

He draws on experience.

Puns, that's how I roll.

What should you use to battle a T-Rex?

A dino-sword.

I always talk to my taco before I eat it.

One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

- Carlos.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

What did the pot say to the kettle?

"To lick the s*** spoon."

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

In Australia, my jokes are high koala-ty.