Puns

Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!

What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!

What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!

What happened when the gun dealer found his pistol in his shoe?

He found that he had a piece in his sole!

I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It's an ARMadillo.

What did one brick say to the other? Never LEGO.

What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...

A swan, a goose, and a penguin walked into a bar... I ducked.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.

What did Google Translate say to Siri?

"Why are you so Siri-ous?"

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

My pencil sharpener broke, so now my pencil is pointless.

The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."

I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!