Punishment jokes

What does 9 and 36 add up to?

A life in prison.

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

Whoever invented school, I hope you burn in hell.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

What does the pedophile use for bait? Trix!

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

I made a deal with Satan. I would get a free pass to hell if I serve as a demon lord. So, see you guys at the end of times!

Lynching is just another word for "hanging around."

Good that you got detention because you said that to me; you should've gone to jail.

How did the man in prison escape?

He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

How do you punish a blind kid?

Rearrange the furniture.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

You know why the teacher punished Dairy Milk?

Answer: Because he was choco_'late' to school.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!

What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?

They fight and... You know the rest.

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

Why did the fastest cat get kicked out of school?

He was a cheetah.