Police jokes

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Please.

Please who?

Police, can you stop talking so we can get to the end of the joke.

Lol.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

What did the police say to the ice cream freezer?

How would Stephen Hawking get rid of the police?

Go to the junkyard.

Why does Batman cover half of his face? To let the police know that he's white.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"

What is it called when a cop hides under his bed? Going undercover.

What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?

It's none of your business!

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

The best part about Poland 🇵🇱 is that the police lights are different.

I'm Black, when a cop sees me, he shoots.

The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.

He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!

What do you call an empty police station?

Banana Chicken.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*