Phone jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?

Because they are afraid of American airdrops.

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

Your mum sat on a phone, and she turned it into a pancake.

For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

Q. Why was the orphan unable to use the phone?

A. He was trying to phone home.

Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Why can’t orphans use a phone? Because they can't find the home button.

Why was the turtle looking at her phone?

She wanted to take a shellfie.

Why did an orphan kill ET?

To phone home.

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

Am I the only one who's on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop and I can't use my phone in class?

Cows go moo.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.