Phone

Phone Jokes

Mum

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

Hairline

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Penaldo

Official Dj Penaldo playlist.

1. "I'm a fraud" 2. "I need you (ft. Tap-ins)" 3. "I Want to Leave Mid United" 4. "Back where I belong (ft. Europa league)" 5. "TY Eder" 6. "Nobody wants me (Rejectnaldo Remix)" 7. "Fuck that kid (ft. Lil Broke phone)" 8. "Sewy (Benched +arms crossed version)"

Son

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

Miracle

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

Police

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

Life Support

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Orphan

An orphan made an Instagram. He did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner.

Yo mama

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to unlock her phone with her face, it said, "disconnected."

Rope

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

Emergency

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

β€œI think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Wife

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

Ring

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

Orphan

I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.

Hunter

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

β€œI think my friend is dead!” he yells. β€œWhat can I do?”

The operator says, β€œCalm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, β€œOK, now what?”

Phone Call

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.