Phone Jokes

Anonymous

“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital.”

“Aaron, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

in Yo mama

yo mama so ugly when she went to unlock her phone with her face it said disconnected

Big Thinker
in Puns

Why don’t phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!

Anonymous
in Alphabet

So there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, what is one plus one? She said I HATE YOU. Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, My buns are burning. Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Bobby said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! The principal yelled, HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?! Then he said, 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, my buns are burning.

5

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone, I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Anonymous

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

Am I the only one who’s on here because it’s not blocked on the school laptop and can’t use my phone in class? cows go moo

Anonymous
in Roast

When you step on the weighing scale it shows your phone number!

Punz
in Titanic

The Titanic, just like my phone IT JUST WON’T SYNC

Edit: Never mind it started to sync…

Twin tower

Someone who was working in the tower must’ve put their phone on plane mode

Anonymous
in Wife

Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

LikeaNinja
in Dirty Joke

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guys boss called to ask why he wasn’t at work. The guy responds, "I’m sick" His boss replies, "you don’t sound sick" The guy says, “I’m fucking my sister” and hangs up the phone

JUSTSTOP
in Man

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Xx Worst at Jokes xX

Joke 1# ’ Knock Knock ’ Whos there? ’ Pastur ’ Pastur who? ’ Past ur bedtime '.

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momas so fat when she stepped on the weigh it said, " I asked for your weigh not you phone number. "

Anonymous
in Little Johnny

Little Jonny tried phone sex but the holes was too small.

Jayvin Zebari
in Roast
  1. If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence

  2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships

  3. There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.

  4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

  5. When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.

  6. If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

  7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it

  8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

  9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting

  10. Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen

  11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya

  12. Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented

Thick dick 6969420
in Orphan

Why don’t orphans now how to use a phone

Because they don’t know where home is

jimmidy cricket
in Cell

one day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. she picks it up "Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby." Sally says, “No, shes upstairs with Uncle john” “Uncle john? i don’t know an Uncle John.” “no, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy” “no i’m sure there’s no one named Uncle John in our family.” “Okay, but why did you call?” Says Sally. “Ummm no reason, just tell mommy that daddy’s pulling into the driveway right now.” “Okay daddy!”

long pause

"Okay daddy! I did it!’ “Great job Sally! What did she says?”

“Mommy said OH FU… and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. shes now resting it looks like… then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter…”

then dad replies “Swimming pool? we dont have a…is this 468-1843?”

1
Anonymous

God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno….this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm…I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:…….(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) fuck me……… God:….(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it….puberty

0
GlitzyGlamGirl (GGG)
in Sea

How do oysters call their friends?

On shell phones!