Patient jokes

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

*in the hospital*

Paralyzed kid: I'm out!

*walks out the room*

Blind kid: You can walk?!

Mute kid: You can see?!

Deaf kid: You can talk?!

Doctor: Wut the f**k?

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?

He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

What did the bird go to the hospital for?

For tweetment!

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!