Patient jokes
What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?
There's none, they both don't age well.
A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.
Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
My cousin is a surgeon.
Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.
Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?
A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.
Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.
But the cancer patients aren't.
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?
One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.