Partner jokes

If a woman’s version of marriage is "happy wife, happy life," but statistically men are more likely to kill themselves, so who should be making who happy?

Then a man’s is "happy husband, don’t get bludgeoned."

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.

Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"

So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"

The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"

Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."

What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?

Land ho!

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

What does a Chinese man say to his partner when having sex?

"Ching Chong Soc Mai Ding Dong"

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

Why did Karen leave me?

Because I was a mushroom.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.