Overeating jokes

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

  • 4

    • Me: *gets down on one knee*

    Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

    Me: *falls over*

    Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

    Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.

    So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!

    A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"

    The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."

    The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."

    A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

    After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

    “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

    The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

    Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

    Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."

    Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"

    Someone: . . .