So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”
What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One is made of plastic and bad for kids; the other one holds shopping.
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
