I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"
Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.
Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀
The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."
Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.
How do emo kids complement each other?
They say, "I like ya cuts g."
Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?
A: Wanna hang out?
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."
