One jokes
"Chris, I just saw five fat people, and you are one of them."
The phrase “Muslim women live in one of the hottest countries in the world and they can’t even expose their legs” has two meanings.
You: I have a nice hairline.
Your friend: Since when do you have one?
You: I forgot.
One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.
Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?
Answer: He was okay. It was a draft, so he dodged it easily!
If an apple and a depressed kid fall out of a tree, which one hits the ground first? The apple.
The kid just hangs there.
Your mama has slept with so many guys, she's starting to look like one.
Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?
Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."
Therapist: That's not so bad.
Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."
What do orphans and apples have in common?
Only one gets picked.
What’s one food orphans can eat?
Homemade.
One day a son and his grandad were smoking.
Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)
Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted!
So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.
No one.
Why are priests called father?
I don’t know why.
Because calling them daddy is too suspicious.
A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"
And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"
Doctor, Doctor, I discovered one of the base pairs in my genetic code is erroneously a stop codon?
Nonsense! That shouldn't be happening!
One time Little Johnny saw someone in his yard tying a rope to a tree, and he moved the stool and the tree broke. Little Johnny screamed, "HAHA! You're skinny enough to break the tree!"
I read the Brothers Grimm books, then I see a black figure reaping about.
I realized someone has died, but I don't do anything about it. I continue to read, and that's when I realized that I was one of the characters, in which at the end, dies.
One time you walked up to a mirror, but it’s shattered because of your reflection.
What's the difference between a used condom and the UCP?
The condom was actually useful at one point.