One jokes
Why did Michael Jackson rush over to K-Mart one morning?
Because he heard little boys' pants were half off!
Just looking for a cunt...
Oh hello, found one.
A man walks into a bar carrying a big chunk of asphalt and says to the bartender, “Make mine a double Scotch and one more for the road.”
What did one ankle say to the other? Good morning, how are you today?
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
Treon: I don't care about Vorkie.
Amber: You should, she could be a great person for the company.
Treon: We don't need another one, we got 100 people in here, no need. Now, Amber, please just go make yourself useful.
Amber: Fine!!!!!
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
A science teacher got on the Space Shuttle Challenger after winning a contest out of 11,000 other teachers.
Imagine being one of the losing teachers in that contest, watching the Space Shuttle Challenger, and thinking, "Talking about dodging a bullet!"
You're so fat, you went on a scale and it said, "One at a time."
Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?
Because they always get a hole in one!
Two Arabs are swapping jokes. One cracks up and yells, "Man, that joke was an absolute blast!"
How do tourists feed their kids?
Here comes the airplane, here comes the second one.
A Japanese person comes to America and sees guns everywhere. One American says, "Welcome to America!"
There are two doors leading to Heaven: one for henpecked husbands and one for unhenpecked husbands. The line to the door leading to Heaven for henpecked husbands was five abreast and five miles long. The line leading to the door to Heaven for unhenpecked husbands consisted of only one lonely man.
The guys from the henpecked husband line looked at the one man in the unhenpecked husband line and shout, “Hey, Charlie, why are you standing over there for?” Charlie glances over his shoulder and observes a sea of humanity of henpecked husbands as far as the eye can see and says grudgingly, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.
The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”
What kind of birthday cake do you get on September 11th?
Three small ones, so you can have a flight of different cake flavors!
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
One morning I saw three kids were bullying one other kid because they didn't have a dad...
Later that day the three same kids were walking toward an orphanage. :)
Why can't an orphan role-play Star Wars?
Because they have no one to play Darth Vader.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.