One jokes

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

What's the difference between me and the rest of America?

I love one and hate the other.

What does a pizza and a Mexican have in common?

One can feed a family.

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"

For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:

Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."

Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."

Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!

So there is someone who doesn't know what an armadillo is.

He then sees one. He asks it a question, "What are you?"

The armadillo replies, "Armadillo."

The person says: "What's a dilo?"

Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"

The one good thing about an orphan is that they don't get roasted with a "yo mama" joke.

For sale: Wheelchair, one careful owner, no longer needed.

There were ten in the bed and the little one said... "Roll over..."

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

One day a mom who looked like a pig broke the car down.

What is the difference between a tall kid and an orphan? One is tall enough that their parents can see them.

Why do golfers bring a spare pair of socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

Which one's super super corny?

1. What's blue and not heavy? (🤔) Light blue.

2. What's blue and super hard to see?

Dark blue. (🤔)