One jokes

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.

Are butt cheeks one word, or should I spread them apart?

For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

Dark humor is like life:

Not everyone gets it.

Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"

What did one Geodude say to the other Geodude?

Let’s rock!

What's worse, being loved or hated? 'Cause when you're loved you could be left alone or be betrayed, but when you're hated no one's there to leave you. What do you think?

Why do emos hang themselves? Because no one wants to hang around them.

Teacher: Hi class, today we will learn about the song, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down."

Then one student said, "I thought it was 'Twin Towers are falling down, falling down!'"

In Denver, the members of a Sunday-school class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths.

One youngster laboriously printed: “Do one to others as others do one to you.” —Lee Olson, The Denver Post

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

It's not nice to make 9/11 jokes. My uncle died in 9/11...

He was one of al qaeda's best pilots.

Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.

Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.

Other family members: ...

What do you call a ruptured Chinese man?

One Hung Lo.

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"