One jokes

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing with the bent one.

What do Call of Duty and Al-Qaeda goals have in common?

You’ve got to get more than one down.

What did one orphan say to the other one?

"Get in the Batmobile, Robin."

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One to trust and the other to thrust.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

One twin tower had a girlfriend. The other twin tower had the same girlfriend, so they both went down.

* Sans at Sans' favorite restaurant* Sans: Hey, Frisk, what do you eat today?

Frisk: One knife, plz.

Sans: Ok, one knife, plz.

Waiter: You eat a knife?

Frisk: Yes.

*Waiter asking for one knife*

Waiter: Here you go.

Frisk: Thanks you.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Do you know that no one finds Hitler a great guy?

But he really saved the History Channel.

What’s the difference between a woman and a policeman? One of them have rights.

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

Today, a kid in a wheelchair was rolling around the class to get away from this one annoying kid, so I told him, "Brayden, just get up and walk away."

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

If two feminazis are carpet munchers, which one in the lesbian relationship cooks?

They both don't because both of the carpet munchers are too busy eating each other's pussy 😋 🤪 😌 😏 😜 👍 👍 👌 👌 👏 🏆 🥇 💭 🤔 😮 😁 😊 😃 😄 👌 😍 🥰 ☺️

Why did I give an orphan the iPhone X?

Because it is the first one without a home button.