Occupation jokes
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
Can a guy in a wheelchair be a stand-up comedian?
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Why do pirates pirate? Because they "Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!" Hahahahahahahahaha!
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that does comedy?
Sit down comedy.
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
First date be like:
Me: "I work with animals every day."
Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"
Me: "I'm a butcher."
What do you call a cowboy with Down syndrome? A whipped potato.
So a kid was crying... I asked him what was wrong.
I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE!
I have a better version of this joke.
How to make a plumber cry: Simple, kill his family. That’ll definitely turn on the waterworks.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder to reach the really high notes?
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow-herd.
What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?
The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”
And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”
Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?
A: The pizza can support a family of four.
What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?
What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Picasshole.