Occupation jokes
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.
The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A rhyme scheme that's all about the Benjamins!
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
I asked the librarian if they had any books on anxiety.
She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
What do you call an African American pilot?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
Why do asses make terrible spies?
Because they always CRACK under pressure.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.