Occupation jokes
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
Why were the baker's hands brown?
Because he was kneading a poop.
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
Poor guy really needs some space.
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
- I work with animals.
- Great! What job?
- A butcher.
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
A fireman, a policeman, and a carpenter went on a fishing trip. The fireman and the policeman both have the same father but different mothers, and they are half-brothers. But the fireman and the carpenter have the same mother and father, but they are not brothers. How is this possible?
Leave you answer in the comments. The answer will be revealed in 24 hours.
You will never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
What do you call a Barbie doll that’s wearing scrubs?
A plastic surgeon. 😷
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
What is a gay man's favorite job?
A blowjob.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Twin monks who ring the church bells died.
Now they are dead ringers. :)
Why did the female orphan become a prostitute?
Because she wanted someone to call "daddy".
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
How can you get 3 homos to sit on one barstool?
Turn it upside down.
Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
'Cause they just wash up onshore.