Occupation jokes
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
People should stop making jokes about major tragedies. My dad died on 9/11...
He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
What fell out of the tree first, the apple or the emo?
The apple, the emo was caught by the rope.
My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
I saw a kid crying today. I asked him where his parents were.
I love working at an orphanage.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
You wanna hear a construction joke?
I'm still workin' on it!
Why did the man cut down the tree? Because it was there. 👨🪚🌲
Why didn't the man cut down the tree? Because it wasn't there. 😕🪚!?️
Why did the tree cut down the man? Because it was a bad tree. 🌲🪚😮
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"