Nut Jokes

This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"

The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.

Do you like Wendy’s?

Yeah, Wendy’s nuts finna go in your mouth!

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What falls and never gets hurt? Snow.

Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"

What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?

A sinkers bar.

Why did the hooker quit her job?

She had a nut allergy.

What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?

Gonorrhea.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

You know Bofa? Bofa deez nuts.

What time is it when a nurse's here?

It's nurse-thirty.

What can happen if you bring a hooker into a stranger's house? He will ask you, "Really, are you nuts?"

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

A pecan is motivated because pe-can do anything.

The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.

DEEEZ NUTS

A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"